is it hard or is it just hard to be REAL..

they say  you can release al your emotions when you scream..what if you can't even scream..and in the end you made a silence act that no one could even talk to you...what would you do?
you can't  shout, soon enough you don"t notice..tears are rolling down your cheeks and kept asking why does it hurt ? and where this word HURT came from?


sometimes i try to believe and now im convinced..its better to be beaten physically than slashed by one single bang right in front of your face.ouch !  and ouch!
your heart beating so fast,tears racing down your cheeks plus over-fatigue..and emotionally drained...aargghhh  you can"t breath ( of course just because you"re crying hysterically)


I kept asking myself..what did I do? 
is it the timing or just being so careless..about everything..
I felt like a candle melting ..like a stone crashed into pieces..or a piece of wood cut into wedges..and being thrown out and burned.  the word Thrown out-that hurt..


yet  I managed to keep it all together ..try to think and do the right thing..
set it aside ..keep it cool..and it will be alright...
soon you'll noticed it will fade away..and be gone...
after its faded..you can tell to yourself..that I had actually made it..moved on..that i can deal with all the chaos..


yes...im back ..now you can see regular posts from me...
anything needed to scream at..this is the only place I can rely on..after all I had written so many..
and yes i can go on. work,and live ...just don"t forget to breathe...

sanity..sanity..pls stay beside me

show all my  angst! here in this room- my freedom to show it  coz its my room.At least this is safe for me.


somewhere maybe in a crooked path..or  maybe a straight one.I want to go in a road so smooth and easy.


our hearts are the most delicate part of the body but it serves as the number one killer as well.
if you're broken hearted, you could easily decide to be drunk and think of any bad ideas that come in your head..like ending it all for good..
I still have that sanity NOT TO..coz its the idea of being a LOSER.
instead I see it as a challenge -a challenge to show it in a unique way.my way..my style.
damn it will be good-or bad- I don't know what's next ..
if I took the wrong turn, I have this reaction at first to be freakin pissed..then goes the darkness side of me..


I won't talk to anyone..and Im developing the behaviour of being numb,insensitive,and plain bitch to anybody i could "TRIP" just what they call it .TRIPPING
my trip-well im sorry for those people im tripping with. they are the victims-i know they didn't do anything to me-but its part of my cruelty to be honest..I can bully anybody i want to in my own way.
after that..back to normal..Im beggining to be the person i developed- sweet,loving and caring to my friends who deserved.
im not regreting any of my behaviours lately-coz its part of being ME.
I can scream,I can scrape a new car in a parking lot with my keys, i can just blow someone's mind but will i ever get the result good? NO-it will make the situation worst.
some of it ,i did already- i ended up disappointed.
oh gosh ..this is really crazy- sometimes i feel like MY ROAD is getting rough..I wish i could clean or press the roughness of this road  just like we're buying shampoo..that easy
sana..sana..madaling mabili ang kasiyahan...haayy me mga bwisit lng talaga sa buhay natin-at kanya-kanya taung pananaw dun.. pero mga bwisit pa rin sila! uber paking siyet

- at the end of my day..

will i find a joy there? ever?
pag ka ganito ang araw ko kung gaano kasama na minsan na nga lng ako ngumiti na yung totoo ha..
palatawa ako pero hell yeah!! di alam ng mga kaibigan kong masayahin ako sa tingin nila pero di nila alam nag pupumiglas ang puso ko kung lalabanan ko lahat-lahat ng mga taong nam bu bwisit sa akin..tulad ngayon
isa na rito ang mga "USERS" 
well users  -they are everywhere kaya ka nilang bolahin hanggat sa maibigay mo yung gusto nila then sa panahong kailangan mo sila--aba bigla sila naglalaho na para bang mga kabute sa paligid. lilitaw lng sila pag mabango ka or whatever you can label yourself as a good samaritan..
ewan  supeer dufeer siyyeettt  naman ..
kelan kaya mauubos sa lupa ang mga "manggagamit" I mean bihira mo naman sila makasama--lalo na maka halubilo..paksiyet- napaka obvious nila.
unbelievable!! 
matulungin akong tao..at kung tulungan ko man sila walang kapalit..
yan ang pwede kong ipag malaki sa side ko,If i helped a person in need-wala akong hihinging kapalit..
ang masama pa noon tinulungan mo na nga -aba abusado pa..kulang na lng hubaran ka..
at pag di mo napag bigyan-ikaw na ang masama-di ba super paksiyet!!**&&^%$#
the best ..
ewan nag ka patong -patong na naman ang mga bagay-bagay na kina-iiritahan ko..
puro problema minsan ang hinaharap ko..
I tried to play it cool..i never say a word -at home..i just shut my mouth and try to watch something to amuse me to entertain me--forget those things that made me depressed for a little while..
but its always there..I know im not alone in this.we all have it in different situation..but damn! its pissin me off till im obviously irritated-all of it- starting from my face reaction,behaviour,me being rude eventually..and i regret those reactions after..and I hated myself after that.
minsan kasi kailangan mong mapag-isa..kaso minsan talagang me nananadya eh ggrrrr
di lalo na nag init ulo ko..
after a while im ok..i can smile a bit..
i hope i have that power to overcome anger to the extent that im hurting another person verbally or just simply giving an attitude..i wish i could have that power.I try to be strong..i try to help to my best level..
yun lng ..i hope i let it out ...

what would you do if you're upset?

feel the solitude of being alone.
whenever i feel bad about something ..until i realized im just upset-from workplace or from some annoying bitch who always lashed me till im pissed.I dont give them chance to put me down but they annoyed me already in some ways.well i deal with it alone..
alone means-dont disturb me at all.im gonna put my headsets on,click my mouse for some acoustic songs i can enjoy,
there are time i can't deal with my sad moment-I go out -if its in the middle of the night,
like one time i remember crying over a tiny star I can't even see very clearly coz tears are falling down my cheeks.
I don't remember the situation what made me upset that day-i remember clearly-I was looking at that tiny little star with tears in my eyes.wishing ..and thoughts running around my head..
that exactly happened in Deira Dubai, United Arab Emirates-all mixed bad emotions plus hormonal -( pms ) 
I wasn't able to cope my bad day..coz everything just popped after one another.as in tangna!  lahat ng mura nasabi ko na -siyett,pati piglet namura ko na-pak!!!( tagalog ng fuck)
what i did ..i let my self loose.just cry ..and soon it will be over- and its true.
my eyes are swollen ,yes,but im feeling a lot better after crying.
i felt better.not to mention I once kicked an expensive tire out of anger.Tires can be your emotional outlet-they are flexible..your foot will bounce actually..

if you're losin your fight

im out of control sometimes..
my temper goes crazy.
and my peers tend to loose their patience.
 

i needed to do this ..only we deal with our experiences differently, in ways which are right for us as individuals..
as a blogger-this is my only way to burst my angst..my sentiments and my never ending wishes to be happy ..
never occurred in my mind to give it up-there are so many ways to extend our anger.- put it in words..shout !
I came to a point where the lowest self-esteem came in me..adding to that people around you enjoyed seing you lashed..and bashed around..the lashing is ok with me..but i can never allow somebody to smashed my spirits and my heart- few people did..and mind you--they will crash your heart into pieces..
only my way of keeping my sanity intact, to believe that we all live in a circular path..sometimes we are in the bottom ..and one day we will be on top..
one day it will
ewan ko ba..bat kaya ? people are so judgemental.they will put labels and tag you even!  wicked and so pathetic..
i can't deal with other people's judgement always..
they can't focus on their own life? why they tend to focus on other people's lives?
just a thought--I THINK ITS PATHETIC

perhaps..

i've been thinking a lot lately..
some things are not really worth it..
others just bothers me till i can't sleep..
the stillness of those nights reminds me.
regreting the things i've been denying myself..or maybe its just good to shout how i felt..
good there are few people who you can trust and tell what you really feel..
a person i can rely on..
its worth it i think..
there are days i wish i could vanish in a crowd by a snap.
or even disappear from my own thinking..
wish i could do that..
if only i could..