Tuesday, January 10, 2012

blogs? anyone...

wrtting..blogs..i just loved it..better than any drug or medication..i will write a s often as i can from now on, and yes I have more time to think what to write.makes me feel alive and existing in some other way.
and yes im on twitter too..not a regular visitor on tweets but..from time to time im checking ..who's checking who..
people might wonder..im seeking attention ..that's why im writting blogs..no..no..no...
this is my way of expressing what i feel at the moment.that's why we call it blogging.
long time ago we had diaries,notebooks to fill up..or just a normal pen and paper to write what we feel.
like a theraphy..no need to go to expensive therapist..and receive prescriptions saying "take this tablet once a week ( like for example Prozac)  yes it helped a little ..but that didn't help your purse to relax...
its so F__ng expensive prescribed medicine!.. and yes you need to go to a therapist , you will be charged...
so I decided to do some self-medication...thru blogs and everything that can help to keep our sanity safe.
yes I admit im feeling so down lately..I've made a decision, in a snap.
not really thinking what happens next?  or will I hurt some people I know. in the end I made that stupid mistake..
I've lost a couple of friendship before..never could I imagine this made a huge impact in my life.
I don't know what I'm thinking that time ..but i got the urge to show just what i feel..-is that wrong?
I believe even a tiny little thing wants to be loved..and we are all free to show it.
I've been so careless. I can't deny the fact Im always careless for my actions. like,the words coming out from my mouth, I "ve been so un-kind lately....and yes.. i can be so damn sweet.I will show it in a real way..not pretending just to be LIKED..or win your heart..If I don't feel like doing it..I don't go for it...
Forgive me for my recent actions...but I do know I've been trying to prove myself that I can be useful too.
....been bashed ,lashed before you know it..and I fall so many times..lately..I just received a nasty comment, "
my blogs are written by a person seeking ,desperately looking for attention...hell no....
this is my way of expressing,and I keep on insisting this is like theraphy.
a situation. like,
one nyt I was standing looking for that sparkling star..or I don't know maybe that tiny little planet Venus visible from our atmosphere, I made it a habit, when you feel bad..just look for your favorite star...and let your tears flow ..You will feel better.
blogs can do real theraphy..you go online,you dig your emotions..and voila! there are words written according to its event.I dont want my body and my mind collide without shouting,that  made me crazy.that's why i rely on writting,I don't care if its written in a different form,but I want to show it.

and my friends, as I want everyone to think Im just a crazy,looking-damn-sweet,gaga....I have been thru difficult situations which is hurtful, and I'm full of good intentions.
If I offended that much..pls forgive me..coz I'm trying feel human too..but being so careless..yes i totally admit.
maybe I was to confident,and in a positive way of thinking it will be ok.

goodnyt my friends,

Sunday, January 8, 2012

is it hard or is it just hard to be REAL..

they say  you can release al your emotions when you scream..what if you can't even scream..and in the end you made a silence act that no one could even talk to you...what would you do?
you can't  shout, soon enough you don"t notice..tears are rolling down your cheeks and kept asking why does it hurt ? and where this word HURT came from?

sometimes i try to believe and now im convinced..its better to be beaten physically than slashed by one single bang right in front of your face.ouch !  and ouch!
your heart beating so fast,tears racing down your cheeks plus over-fatigue..and emotionally drained...aargghhh  you can"t breath ( of course just because you"re crying hysterically)

I kept asking myself..what did I do? 
is it the timing or just being so careless..about everything..
I felt like a candle melting ..like a stone crashed into pieces..or a piece of wood cut into wedges..and being thrown out and burned.  the word Thrown out-that hurt..

yet  I managed to keep it all together ..try to think and do the right thing..
set it aside ..keep it cool..and it will be alright...
soon you'll noticed it will fade away..and be gone...
after its faded..you can tell to yourself..that I had actually made it..moved on..that i can deal with all the chaos..

yes...im back ..now you can see regular posts from me...
anything needed to scream at..this is the only place I can rely on..after all I had written so many..
and yes i can go on. work,and live ...just don"t forget to breathe...

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

like i have to endure it!! aahhhh

ok i know your life is perfect..no mistakes..all good stuff coming in to you..i can say- bwisit ka!
just mind your own monkey-business..
and with messing my life already--i get it--your pretty life with full roses is perfect..
like I care..
i don't get your intention of getting your advises..coz your life also is full of ass_ F__g s__t --there..
and mind you...
your  personal problems are not mine..so mine is not yours either--so could you just  SHUT UP!!! AND DO YOUR thing..
why is it difficult to mind your own pig-business..right now -you just gave me the ultimate nerve-wrecking --hello...im not messing with you
im not giving you shit..or im not minding your own personal life..so try to grab some control..and be a person that every other person should treat you good as well..
you piece of a waste..SA MADALING SALITA- PAKILAMERA~RO... THERE..
i hope you got this right..
stop judging me.and enjoy life...( i dont want to end up depressed like you..like a piece of nerd-fuckin loser.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

if life is for rent..

sometimes i believe in that part of the song -i dont know if you remember Dido,the one who sing this song Life for rent..
if life really is for rent ? can we afford to rent ..anyting from starting from happiness.. we have wide ipinions about happiness..(sigh)  who doesn't want a dose of being happy?
is it really hard to achieve--kakaluurrkkkyyy
i've been chasing this word for life!
i needed a room to keep and save some of it..and i needed to keep it for good..
i don;t want to loose it.
I will pay the price just to get it.
coz that's what matters most.
i wouldn't even trade it for something fancy..fancy is a funny thing..its fooling you . its a traitor..and its dark..
i knw..the rent is too high--to hell with it--but im getting it right now..
im gonna pay my rent--for my happiness..
with what i had been through...i think i've had enough..
i have to grab this chance--otherwise i might take the wrong turn..
got tired of loosing my mind ..mostly hehe.
what can i say???  i dont complain that much..
but i think i do have the right to be happy..

Thursday, August 4, 2011

im on my way to sleep -drunk as usual --a little shots of vodka makes me sleep--just try to forget the things-in reality..now i will sleep in a world of fantasy..where no one could reach...
its a fantasy beyond ultimate imagination..now im so tipsy and my eyes are heavy..the bosy became numb as i wished.--i can say it has to stay like that-in order not to be hurt...

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

me..sitting alone thinking..

wow ...
this is my last day,last night in the Philippines..
i tried to go back from day 1..but nah ..i can't stop the time.
my flight is tomorrow .im freaking out again..we all know its reaching 35,000 feet ( whooo) im scared of heights..
I don't have a choice ,just i try to brace it,deal with the flying blah..blah..

It amazes me travelling by air..you could go to another country at same day via air trave;-that's the only idea i love..fast..unlike the times when we only travel by trains,buses and ships..you have to count the days ,or even a month..

im a little anxious about leaving ..mixed emotions pouring in my whole body..
maybe feeling the stress of leaving your love ones behind(again) 
plus a special person also is left behind,,
i found it difficult to cope with sadness..the last time i remember-when i went for vacation, and when going back to normal routines..i totally broke down to tears. open to the other passengers seated nearby. I don't care at all..
i just care of letting my emotions go..otherwise if i keep those bad feelings inside..I feel sick.so i had to let it out.cry it out..anyway what's wrong with crying?

plus the AIRPORT- i dont like the "rush" in this area. and the fact that its a melting pot already- mixed race that you can't even trust-except those you knew for long time... haaiissttt its stressful. the cue. the food cue, the visa cue,the toilet cue-- lahat PILA!!!!!

ai nakakaloka...gotta go..now i have to rest my eyes..
my next blog will be the first weeks back in the Middle East--  :) see you folks!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

sanity..sanity..pls stay beside me

show all my  angst! here in this room- my freedom to show it  coz its my room.At least this is safe for me.

somewhere maybe in a crooked path..or  maybe a straight one.I want to go in a road so smooth and easy.

our hearts are the most delicate part of the body but it serves as the number one killer as well.
if you're broken hearted, you could easily decide to be drunk and think of any bad ideas that come in your head..like ending it all for good..
I still have that sanity NOT TO..coz its the idea of being a LOSER.
instead I see it as a challenge -a challenge to show it in a unique way.my way..my style.
damn it will be good-or bad- I don't know what's next ..
if I took the wrong turn, I have this reaction at first to be freakin pissed..then goes the darkness side of me..

I won't talk to anyone..and Im developing the behaviour of being numb,insensitive,and plain bitch to anybody i could "TRIP" just what they call it .TRIPPING
my trip-well im sorry for those people im tripping with. they are the victims-i know they didn't do anything to me-but its part of my cruelty to be honest..I can bully anybody i want to in my own way.
after that..back to normal..Im beggining to be the person i developed- sweet,loving and caring to my friends who deserved.
im not regreting any of my behaviours lately-coz its part of being ME.
I can scream,I can scrape a new car in a parking lot with my keys, i can just blow someone's mind but will i ever get the result good? NO-it will make the situation worst.
some of it ,i did already- i ended up disappointed.
oh gosh ..this is really crazy- sometimes i feel like MY ROAD is getting rough..I wish i could clean or press the roughness of this road  just like we're buying shampoo..that easy
sana..sana..madaling mabili ang kasiyahan...haayy me mga bwisit lng talaga sa buhay natin-at kanya-kanya taung pananaw dun.. pero mga bwisit pa rin sila! uber paking siyet

- at the end of my day..

will i find a joy there? ever?
pag ka ganito ang araw ko kung gaano kasama na minsan na nga lng ako ngumiti na yung totoo ha..
palatawa ako pero hell yeah!! di alam ng mga kaibigan kong masayahin ako sa tingin nila pero di nila alam nag pupumiglas ang puso ko kung lalabanan ko lahat-lahat ng mga taong nam bu bwisit sa akin..tulad ngayon
isa na rito ang mga "USERS" 
well users  -they are everywhere kaya ka nilang bolahin hanggat sa maibigay mo yung gusto nila then sa panahong kailangan mo sila--aba bigla sila naglalaho na para bang mga kabute sa paligid. lilitaw lng sila pag mabango ka or whatever you can label yourself as a good samaritan..
ewan  supeer dufeer siyyeettt  naman ..
kelan kaya mauubos sa lupa ang mga "manggagamit" I mean bihira mo naman sila makasama--lalo na maka halubilo..paksiyet- napaka obvious nila.
matulungin akong tao..at kung tulungan ko man sila walang kapalit..
yan ang pwede kong ipag malaki sa side ko,If i helped a person in need-wala akong hihinging kapalit..
ang masama pa noon tinulungan mo na nga -aba abusado pa..kulang na lng hubaran ka..
at pag di mo napag bigyan-ikaw na ang masama-di ba super paksiyet!!**&&^%$#
the best ..
ewan nag ka patong -patong na naman ang mga bagay-bagay na kina-iiritahan ko..
puro problema minsan ang hinaharap ko..
I tried to play it cool..i never say a word -at home..i just shut my mouth and try to watch something to amuse me to entertain me--forget those things that made me depressed for a little while..
but its always there..I know im not alone in this.we all have it in different situation..but damn! its pissin me off till im obviously irritated-all of it- starting from my face reaction,behaviour,me being rude eventually..and i regret those reactions after..and I hated myself after that.
minsan kasi kailangan mong mapag-isa..kaso minsan talagang me nananadya eh ggrrrr
di lalo na nag init ulo ko..
after a while im ok..i can smile a bit..
i hope i have that power to overcome anger to the extent that im hurting another person verbally or just simply giving an attitude..i wish i could have that power.I try to be strong..i try to help to my best level..
yun lng ..i hope i let it out ...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

DEdma as usual

ilang beses kitang bina buzz..dedma.
sadya wla kang pakiramdam?
kahit man lng isang hi wala..how would I know if you're upset with me,
or just busy.or pretendting to be busy..
di na kita maintindihan,..
sa harap ng mga kaibigan mo..halos di mo na ako kausapin-kasi as usual sila lng nakikita mo..
I've been invisible in front of you since when? since we were aquainted.
don't worry i got used to it..
there are times you are incredibly sweet-I don't understand..
wag mo naman ako gawing pamasak butas..ayoko isipin pero yun ang na fe feel ko.
why you're doing this to me?
paksyet naman o.Im ok with being invisible sometimes.
but try to see my efforts..kasi malapit na kitang iwanan..I can just give up and forget everything about you-alam mo ba yan?
paksyet namang buhay to oo..im a champion of being Invisible-yay!

you were in here but i have to bury the dream

nampucha! as in -wanna know the latest? i dont wish to know either.
napamura ako sa hinagpis at sakit ng kalooban ko huhuhu ..
I saw them together.-gumuho na mundo ko..gumuho pati taba ko-well konti lng,
i can't think of anything right now..eerrr  alam ko naman we all have right to choose  waahhh bat ganun..
I can say i regret some events recently na sana di na lng kami nag kakilala.
sana alam mo to ha..i just wish right now i never got the chance of knowing you ..and so on and so on..and so on..
What the F? noon as in di kita nakikita..lahat pati mga kasama mo..sabi kasi nila..bat ka ganyan? bat ka ganito? 
e di sinagot ko mga hinagpis nyo. ano napala ko ngayon? haayy di naman ako nag sisisi..kasoo!!!
Im just broken,di lng broken-shattered pa.and melted na rin haaiisstt
stupid love talaga ewan GGrrr galit lng ako right now its infuriating meehh
tormented 4 am just I wish..i wish i will turn into a stone..manhid- 
pwede ba maging bato na lng? 

double trouble

lets talk about TWINS.
i have a twin-sister,we're identical,she's just ahead of me after they pulled her out,Im still inside my mother's womb-the doctors are beggining to stitch my mother's open wound!-hello im still inside..
in short one of them realized im still stucked inside-so they open the stitch again and pulled me out..
having a twin is great,but there are disavantages too- we're both identical girl twins..
we kept on borrowing each other's clothes,things and other stuff like shoes!!
the good advantage- she is your permanent BFF . you go to movies together,eat together,fight with same enemy,laugh same time,cry same time,
but still we are not perfectly same.finger-prints,attitude,style,etc etc...
im grateful i have an identical twin to laugh and cry with.and oh..to fight with sometimes... eerrr :)

United Arab Emirates

Respect their culture,know your rights but limit your views especially political-
UAE is an open country,Locals are simply nice,rarely like we used to think that Arabs are "cruel etc..etc" -well we consider invididual differences.
Shopping malls,beaches,parks,are great..and very clean,surrounded by caring policemen-which you can really rely on.just don't be "pasaway"  eherrmmm
what i love living in the UAE- food! arabic food is sooo yummy
and others..you can discover it according to your own thoughts of being HERE..

what would you do if you're upset?

feel the solitude of being alone.
whenever i feel bad about something ..until i realized im just upset-from workplace or from some annoying bitch who always lashed me till im pissed.I dont give them chance to put me down but they annoyed me already in some ways.well i deal with it alone..
alone means-dont disturb me at all.im gonna put my headsets on,click my mouse for some acoustic songs i can enjoy,
there are time i can't deal with my sad moment-I go out -if its in the middle of the night,
like one time i remember crying over a tiny star I can't even see very clearly coz tears are falling down my cheeks.
I don't remember the situation what made me upset that day-i remember clearly-I was looking at that tiny little star with tears in my eyes.wishing ..and thoughts running around my head..
that exactly happened in Deira Dubai, United Arab Emirates-all mixed bad emotions plus hormonal -( pms ) 
I wasn't able to cope my bad day..coz everything just popped after one another.as in tangna!  lahat ng mura nasabi ko na -siyett,pati piglet namura ko na-pak!!!( tagalog ng fuck)
what i did ..i let my self loose.just cry ..and soon it will be over- and its true.
my eyes are swollen ,yes,but im feeling a lot better after crying.
i felt better.not to mention I once kicked an expensive tire out of anger.Tires can be your emotional outlet-they are flexible..your foot will bounce actually..


don't you love the rain? falling,the sound of it,the smell of it? Im fascinated by the whole scenario..I dunno maybe im just carried away by the way it reminds me-kinda romantic..or it relaxes me..just sitting in one corner of a room sipping  hot chocolate while reading a nice book. ( forget the idea of the power turning off)
but come to think of it- the whole scenario just made me feel good plus! no expenses to add - you can't go the mall and spend money for shopping..hehehe. I love rainy season.well being wet? -don't go outside unless you decide to have a shower in public-outside the streets and catch cold after a few hours..that's a different story.love the rain and think of it like a blessing from the sky-it waters the plants too!